Miss/Ms./Mrs.? Manners

I am a perfectionist and a stickler for rules.  I am the one who will read all the rules of a board game and call you on it if you aren't doing something correctly.  I am the one who will sit down and actually read through company policies and procedures.  That is why it was so difficult for me address my invitations.  I searched online for proper etiquette but got conflicting information everywhere I looked.  For example, for an unmarried couple living together, I found three different "correct ways" to address the invitation: 1) Woman first, 2) Alphabetically by last name, and 3) Person you know better first.  What is a rule-follower to do when the rules aren't clear?!  Well, I decided to make my own rules.  I still want to be "proper" but decided that modern etiquette has changed a bit from the stiff, formal traditions of the past.  Here are some of my more "rebellious' decisions.

On the outer envelopes, I strayed a bit from the etiquette that states that envelopes should be hand-written in cursive or calligraphied.  Labels were definitely a no-no for me, but with my ugly handwriting and all the beautiful fonts out there these days, I decided to print my envelopes.  I considered fauxlligrahy, but with so much other stuff going on, I actually forgot about it until the invites were in the mail.


When it came to addressing the invites, I made sure to spell out all street names and states.  This got excessively long when I had to write "457 Northeast One Hundred Thirty-Seventh Avenue, Apartment 4B" instead of "457 NE 137th Avenue #4B".  On a side note, this actually caused some friction with my favorite postman (aka Dad) because it conflicts with the USPS guidelines on addressing envelopes.  Did you know that you're not supposed to put a comma between the city and state abbreviation?  I didn't...something to keep in mind for my non-wedding invitation correspondence.

I also researched the proper use of Miss, Ms., and Mrs., particularly in cases of divorced women, widows, and married women who kept their last name.  The rules were not always clear here either, but here is the simple rules I followed:

Miss - I did not use this title, which is generally reserved for young girls.  Young girls are not listed on the outer envelope, and since I was doing informal inner envelopes, there was no need to use the title.

Mrs. - I only used this title when a woman was currently married and took the name of her husband (in which case the envelope was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe), or when a woman was widowed and never remarried (Mrs. Jane Doe).

Ms. - I used this title in all other situations -- single women, divorced women (whether they kept their married name or reverted to their maiden name), married women who kept their maiden name, married women who hyphenated their name, and women who's status I was unsure of.

In my research, it seems to depend on the region or culture you grew up in.  Some women prefer to be called "Mrs." if they are married, regardless of their last name.  Others find it sexist to be called Mrs. John Doe.  Others feel that the term Ms. refers to a spinster with nine cats who never got married.  Personally, I would be fine being called Ms., so I went with that.  I am probably over-thinking the whole issue and doubt many of my guests would even pay attention to this detail.


For the inner envelopes, I decided to address guests casually because it sounds more personal to me.  I feel weird addressing my little brother as "Mr. Smith" when I would never call him that in real life (except maybe in a sarcastic tone).  So my inner envelopes had first names for friends and familial titles (i.e. Aunty Jane, Grandma, Uncle Bob) for relatives.

On the RSVP cards, I indicated the number of seats that had been reserved for the party.  I know this is supposed to be dictated by the inner envelope, but I think a lot of people just aren't familiar with proper etiquette and may overlook this.  For example, the inner envelope may just say John, but John might not know that this means a guest is not invited.  I also avoided using phrases like "accepts with pleasure" and "declines with regret".  Who am I to assume a guest is accepting with joy or declining with regret.  A minor issue, but a "rule" I decided to follow.  If you want to get really technical, I also read that a "proper" RSVP is a note from the invitee, not checking off boxes.  I decided not to go this route, because if I sent a blank RSVP card, I doubt many people would know what to do with it.

Overall, I did what made the most sense to me.  From my research online, it seems clear that there are not many people who really know what the proper etiquette is, and even less that actually care.  I learned a lot in the process and feel satisfied with what I did.  Are you concerned with proper etiquette, or did you stray from the rules?